Celebration Day

Just woken up – wl finish yesterdays post – finished unexpectedly due to visitor. I feel like I have the key, a little excited, a little apprehensive but overall pretty relaxed

Time will tell – now is the moment of power – manawa for my Huna readers – u can only face fear in the now – that is what is meant by power of now.

Amazing grace – I was blind but now I see

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Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki

Day 3

Wow! Another day of highs and lows. I seriously was not prepared but the day started slowly with a wander onto a 767 400 – I felt so lucky to be able to wander onto a plane without competing against all the other members of the public. We listened to Nikki the hostie as we picked out our fav seat positions on the plane. We checked out where they sleep on long hauls & then went up a deck to first class and lay in the passengers crib – so decadent at a cost of $ 16k just for a comfy plane ride. Olympia and I tried the recline position declaring to the universe that we would take advantage now
While we could. I thought – well not so fast – one day I will b able to afford this seat when I publish my book!

We then settled down to a meditation on the plane and it really settled me down. We left for lunch walking across the tarmac like in the old days, the engines humming at high pitch and the smell of aircraft fuel in my nose.

I had lunch and I don’t know why but by some design I always land up next to Pat!! We started talking about the air tower tour and I felt my stomach sink intoy feet.

Ohoh sum 1 at the door

More later xxx

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Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki

Melbourne Bound

Righto, boss just rung… said you coming to Melbourne…

Everybody, RUN! Duck Hide!…. Sheeeeeeiit… the game is on!

Didn’t I say: Bring it ON!.. and the flipping universe responded!!! LOL! Man oh man…. 🙂 N

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Friday…the 13th

Yes, there are good days and bad days, and yesterday was a particularly bad day. I even wanted to ring Fearless Aunty Julie and see if she could say anything that would make me feel better. I realise now that I am the only one that can make me feel better. I mean yes, Knowledge casts out Fear, but actually as Madalyn said, you have to take action.

I realise too… that i was being a ‘victim’… victim is ok… if you can recognise yourself doing it… it is ok to wallow in your self-pity for a while, but not for too long.. because it simply doesn’t serve you, does it?

I heard myself organising for my son to spend the day with friends. I found myself saying to myself.. “so you are going through with it then?”

I answered “Well i am just getting organised”… but given the level of commitment and what i have been telling people i realised I had better bloody go through with it…hmmmm….

So today, with a little more time to reflect and some good sleep, i am in a more positive frame of mind even if my tummy is all butterflies because I realise I am now committed. To leave my boy on his own for a day… i had better have something to show for it… i don’t like leaving him on his own for too long. He is 12 but you know.. I like to spend my time with him in preference to scaring myself to death in LIFTs and PLANEs… hell i would spend time with anyone’s kids just to avoid Saturday!

That said, my inner dialogue was this:

“So… it looks like you definitely going in the control tower eh? Thought you said you don’t do lifts?… ”
“Um… well, I have paid $900 for the course.. – need to get value for money hey… can’t be wasteful… ”
“Well I thought you think it’s too much for you to handle right now”
“Yes, but I am focussed on seeing my family, flying, seeing the world, doing my thing, promoting my book.. there is so much I want to do.. i want to travel and bring people to my retreat and to do that i have to write, promote my book, see my family, speak at conventions, be available for people to access me anywhere geographically – if i want to be the change I want for the world – I have a MISSION… this is my mission… to promote healing and give others access to guidance in my written work… to all who cross my path so yeah!!! I have a MISSION Dammit!”
“Well what’s your mission when you are standing in front of the control tower lifts eh?”
“To be brave courageous, and embrace just being with my fear”
“Oh Really?…. won’t tomorrow be interesting then… lol you silly duck!”
“Yeah… too right..”
“Shit… you really gonna go through with it, aren’t you?
“Yeah… too right”
“Hmmmm…..”
“I am…no matter what”
“I see”
“Well?”
“Well if you are serious about this you have obviously made a choice eh?
“Yup, made a choice”
“I see”
“Well?”
“Well if we’re gonna do this… ”
“Yeah?”
“Well if we’re gonna do this .. we better choose HOW we gonna do this right?
“Yeah….we gonna do this.. no compromise there…just do it .. you know like the NIKE ad… feel it.. extreme like you know?”
“K well, if you are gonna do this.. you have two choices… the hard way or the easy way”
“Yes, I know.. i was gonna tell you that… it is my choice to do this the hard way or the easy way”
“Yup… so how you gonna do this?”
“Well.. the hard way is I can give into my automatic thoughts, I can not relax, I can get panicky.. i can allow myself to fall into a state of chaos within…OR I can practice awareness…. feel the panic but be with it… catch the thoughts I can… and reframe, I can clench tight muscles.. and on the out breath I can slow my heart rate and breathing.. it won’t be easy but I know WHAT to do.. I just have to do it and trust it.. aaaahhh TRUST.. there is that big question…. for me.. my life has hinged around trust… now i realise i cannot trust anyone but myself… especially with this …and if I can trust myself.. then I am powerful within and I don’t have to rely on others for trust which is what I have been doing up until now.. i have been lazy.. giving my trust to everyone else except myself and that is why i always have the issues.. (wow this shit really gets deep doesn’t it?)….so i have to use the tools i have learned. Not fight the response, but just be with it.. feel the panic, take each moment by moment, search for tension, release it, breathe it and trust.. maybe even cry from fear but i intend to look fear squarely in the face (who needs drugs when you have to deal with this crap!)…. i embrace my fear, i stand in the face of it and I will be with it until it goes .. and I don’t know who will be left standing, but I intend to have a good run at the wall… ”
“Whoa dude.. that’s full on eh?
“You got it, full on.. there’s no other place to be.. this is it.. Bring it on!”

Nikki Ward
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tatts Group IT Documentation and Training Analyst
07 3637 1445 (LL)
0417 435 029 (Mob)
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Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki

Thursday…Not doing too well…

Well just have to admit, I am not doing too well at the moment. I got to say that I am feeling less and less confident in my ability to cope with Saturday and Sunday.. I know I ‘should’ be reframing thoughts positively but at the moment, I am on an emotional roller coaster and I fear my defences are down. I feel tired, weak and not up to much.. except a few tears here and there.. I know or rather I can see I am in victim mode at the moment…

Victim mode in terms of change means:

·         Resisting Change

·         Feeling Angry or Depressed

·         Reverting to old ways of doing things

·         Isolating oneself.

·         Failing to ask for help…

Hmmmm

I don’t feel ‘safe’ – thought number 1.

I feel like the light has gone out of my life.

I don’t want to be around people.

I feel like I need to shut down for a while.

I feel like I have a hole from the top of my throat to the sides of my chest to the pit of my stomach.

I don’t think I should be flying when I am in a highly emotional state..

I really don’t want to pike but today it all just seems insurmoutable. I feel like my plug has been pulled and all the light drained out of my life.. I don’t know if getting in a plane or a lift or facing my fears is the best course of action right now.. or is this just a classic form of avoidance. I wish I could speak to Madalyn about this .. I just don’t know where to next except to just take one minute at a time at the moment…I don’t even know why I came to work today… to be honest.. I am a basket case.. usually I am strong and resilient but this has knocked me around.

I will sign off now as I am depressing myself, and the rest of you lot!

N

Thanks,

Nikki Ward | IT Documentation and Training Analyst

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Tatts Group

240 Sandgate Rd, Albion, Queensland, 4010, Australia

Tel: 07 3637 1445 | Fax: 07 3262 5742

Blog: http://thetechwriter.wordpress.com

SP Blog: http://myworkcentre/personal/nikki_ward/workblog/default.aspx

IT Training Blog: http://tattscentral/sites/technology/BusSystems/Training/ITTrainingBlog/default.aspx

 Quote of the Day: Think More, Write Less

                

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Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki

Standard Six Book Blog

I was doing research on the site of the main character of my book last night.. I decided on the name for my main character.. Seth..

In researching Seth’s blog I was moved, touched, inspired, and over-awed by the sadness, the beauty, the grief, the depths of depravity, the heights of recovery – rendered almost speechless by the time I had finished reading the bits that he had shared of himself, in more ways than one.. J the relationship of the child and the predator, is a complex yet, innocent one.. I know.. contradictory hey.. but I got very present to the light and dark of the characters, both of the Captor and the Captee.. what was happening for both and that there is almost an inexplicable symbiosis, energetically post physical experience. I can only intellectualise it at the moment, even though I have first hand experience of a similar experience with a member of my family (not immediate family).. so I was there in my mind… I could feel the confusion, the moral divide, the surrealness of it all and the insanity of it all.. no wonder I have trust issues I realised.. I see my patterns emerging out of someone else’s pattern.. I need to do some inner work, this is plain to see..

                                                                                                                     -o0o-

I have realised too what my story is about.. it is about the children who suffered during the years of apartheid.. it is not about apartheid that I write, it is the children who were victims during a time where attitudes were fixed, controlled and closed to anything outside of what existed, irrespective of colour, creed, gender.. we were all victims one way or another at some point.. this story is about the way through… what happened now.. and where we are at.. I need to go to South Africa.. check out my fearless flyer blog.. http://fearlessflyer.posterous.com to see why I haven’t gone home and embraced my culture..

                                                                                                                    -o0o-

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Posted via email from Standard Six Book Blog

Day 2, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday…

Day 2 was a little easier than Day 1 .. my ‘stuff’ seemed to come out of nowhere as I realised that I was in the company of others who experienced as much or more fear than I had…  On Sunday, Nik the Air Hostess, striking in her Qantas uniform (beautiful gun metal grey dress adorned with aborignal dot patterns) told us all about the 6 week training course they go through. She told us how they have to return to Sydney every 6 months for a day of intense refresher and they have to sit an exam. Hosties are there to evacuate the plane of around 260 people in 90 seconds. This is their primary function. They are not glorified trolley dollies and I have to say they have gone up in my estimation since I have had the opportunity to talk to Nikki.

Fearless Aunty Pat gave us a common-sense speech on pre-flight preparation and to keep our lives ticking along at a rate that doesn’t incur unnecessary stress.. While I found it to be a bit ho-hum-yes-I-have-heard-this-all-before I realised towards the end that it is worth being organised as the potential for things to go wrong certainly exists and really, what is the point of ‘inviting’ disaster?

I realised during conversation at lunch with one of the Fearless Aunties, Pat that I do spend a lot of time intellectualising about how I feel and relate to the world. Pat really made me present to this and to honest, some part of me said: “Damn, everyone I do any type of personal development work with, always throws this in my face!”  In my mind, I felt indignant.. I clung onto the fact that I was a ‘thinker’ and I had a right to be who I was and why did I have to change?.. I concluded that there ‘feelers’ and there were ‘thinkers’ and there were “thinker-feelers” and “feeler-thinkers” and I was clearly more in the ‘thinker’category!  I even sought validation from Fearless Aunty Julie at one point – we both agreed this is our world that we like to live in… Question is I realised sometime later that day: “Does this serve me?”

                                                                                                                             –oOo–

With that in mind, we returned from Lunch to hear Madalyn talk more about who we handle things in our lives, that everything we do is our choice, and we need to take responsibility for that. When we sit in a chair in an aeroplane, there is always time for reflection and if the mind is not calm, it will be difficult to relax. The talk was very useful because Madalyn talked about various aspects of the choices we make and that we need to make a choice to actively relax.. to use our Para Sympathetic Nervous system to our advantage. We did the CD relaxation together and towards the end, Madalyn took my question:

“Madalyn, I often get accused of ‘thinking’ too much. People often say, you should be more ‘feeling’ in what you do?  I like to think.   I’m confused.    I am only doing what comes naturally to me.. my job involves thinking so I think all the time, what’s wrong with that?’

Madalyn took her time before she responded – I could see this wasn’t a question that came up often because her hand rose to her mouth, she stroked her top lip, her brow furroughed and then she looked out into space. She came back slowly, looked me in the eye and responded:

“If you gather knowledge, you don’t necessarily experience it. To experience it you have to ‘take action’. You have to ‘do it’.. to feel it so that your understanding is experiential.. when things happen, just  be with it”

I heard in my listening: “When you have a panic attack, you can describe it to someone but until you have experienced it they will find it hard to know what you are talking about… “

She got me to thinking: (lol! Yes there I go again!) .. I read all about pregnancy.. I knew how it happened, why it happened, when it happens and what happens when you give birth but I didn’t know how it feels!!!!…

This was an incredible breakthrough for me (that only happened today by the way!)..  I realised it was only until I gave birth that the conspiracy of silence women often surround first-time mothers with is well intended. Well-intended because the experience is different for everyone, and each person has a unique experience.. so there you have it .. no-one can possibly begin to tell you what it feels like J .. in fact, someone did tell me and it did come pretty close to the experience. She said: imagine pushing out a watermelon, no … a watermelon with wings!”.. lol! J

                                                                                                                        –oOo–

As I left the building that day, I turned to look at the control tower.. I felt a little twinge of fear as my eyes ran up the tower.. and ran up and ran up and ran up… my GOD!.. it is about 10 flights high… it looked enormous.. bloody hell.. I don’t do lifts .. now I have to go into that bloody thing on Saturday.. I saw another fearless flyer come out the building.. I spoke to her and pointed out the tower.. her eyes went wide.. OMG… OMG OMG.. (ACTIVATING EVENT) I got in the car … scared shitless for Saturday.. thinking if I pitch up on Saturday its gonna be a miracle.

Sadly I came home to my relationship that disintegrated before my eyes on Monday morning and so I have been in heartbreak city since then and in my quietude with a very uncomfortable grief, anger and sheer frustration I have not been able to do anything else but to lie prostate on my back staring at the ceiling with tears running down my eyes and my heart in meltdown… On Monday I felt that I couldn’t possibly attempt the flight on Sunday with this emotional upheaval in place… I hadn’t done the relaxation as I had promised and then I started to crumble.. I was ‘feeling’… feeling the pain and the grief… usually I would have had a six pack of beers to numb myself.. get philosophical and then pass out.. but I chose to ‘feel’ it..

Somewhere in the depths a small voice said: you have to look after yourself.. you have to feed your soul, you have to see your family, the plane will set you free, show you a different perspective, show you a new world, this is your escape hatch .. you have to learn to fly.. to learn to fly you need to relax and to relax you have to do Madalyn’s CD, because as Madalyn said: “If you can relax in a relaxing environment, how are you going to relax on a PLANE!”  … (assuming you are an anxious flyer of course)… It was then that I took the CD with a heavy heart and a sad hand, put it in the CD player and started the exercise.. I did the muscle-clenching and went to my happy place (see diagram in earlier posts)… and I had to say, while I wasn’t exactly happy, I felt relaxed in my grief and my pain. I could ‘be’ with it.. I could ‘feel’ it… I didn’t fight it .. I just felt it and it was there … no drama’s I was just there….with it….. can’t explain what it feels like but my body was telling me that I had a hole from my throat to my shoulders to stomach.. that was empty and something was gone.. and I could actually just be with it… I didn’t need to fix it or do anything with it.. that it would go when I had finished feeling it.

There and then, I decided (MADE A DECISION) that I would do the meditation morning and night.. and I would fly!.. Dammit!.. I deserved to fly… and be free.  I would feed my soul and do what I have been threatening to do for years.. is go home and be with my dad, the man I respect the most in the world and remind myself that such a person really does exist and that was what it was for me.. just right there. I felt it.

                                                                                                                          –oOo–

So last night I was reading Madalyn’s excerpt from Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway… Susan Jeffers.. I remembered I had the book… I pulled it out with along with the Feeling Good handbook by Dr David Burns and I studied up on Choice, taking Responsibility for Upsets.. Victims and Victorious, Power and Pain and what it showed me was that when I am angry or upset, it is me ‘missing’ something.. that something is something I am expecting others to fulfil or do for me.. rather than taking full responsibility for it myself.. I then realised OMG!! I have been placing all my ‘trust’ issues on others.. rather than me trusting in such a way that is healthy.. I need to trust myself. Honour myself as my word, in the NOW.. and not be concerned about my worth as an individual for not seeing any of this before right NOW… etc… and so on .. Susan Jeffers book is so worth a read, as is the Dr David Burns Feeling Good handbook (given to me by a psychiatrist who realised that I had been incorrectly referred… told me I needed to read the book and then come back if I felt I needed to see him… I read the book and I haven’t been back since.. and it was also then that I realised that I had healed myself that I weaned myself off 7 years of taking antidepressants.. I have been anti-depressant free for now.. almost 6 years.. magic eh?)

So now, as I call it the last frontier, conquering within.. hooo hooo!…

                                                                                                                          –oOo–

Today my morning meditation progressed nicely as I lay there and interestingly enough when the Madalyn got to the ‘happy place’ … I swiped my diamond encrusted access card after I had passed through the force field (keeps everyone out… )… and re-entered my happy place… the CD says: “Describe your surroundings”..  I looked around my happy place, ….well would you believe it!.. there it was: my happy place was a freakin PLANE!.. lol!… It had morphed from my white beach side villa to a PLANE! … I just looked around in amazement and went: ‘uh-huh .. I see.. whats going on here?  Someone upgraded my happy place!… “

I was about to change it all, when I heard Madalyn’s words again: “Just be with it”.. so I was.. I looked around, saw the blue seats, touched the fabric, sniffed the air, looked around to see if anyone else was there but it was just me… of course, my force-field is people-proof, (the engineer from Avalon set it up for me – and it is a controlled environment you see.. people, data, and equipment..and you can rely on them!)  so there I was.. .I sat down in the chair and did a brief muscle clench for relaxation. I exhaled calmly… I saw myself putting frangipani flowers in the tops of the chairs where the headrests usually go.. and I made a mental note to myself.. “I must take some flowers on the flight..” and  “I must pack my bag on Thursday night..as Pat said”  and then I thought: Hang on a minute!.. I have to go in the control tower lift on Saturday!.. now I can do planes, but there’s no fearless lift course is there!!?? So I invented a room with a lift in it.. and I went and stood in the lift.. It felt OK.. as Fearless Flyer Aunty Glenda said to me.. (BELIEFS) “There is enough air in there, you won’t stop breathing.. “  I figured well, ok.. yeah but I get all panicky.. its not about the bloody AIR!.. its about me being able to calm my racing heart, and stop my sympathetic nervous system from doing its dance’  I thought to myself… “You are inviting CONSEQUENCES nikki” … so how can I really tackle this using Madalyns ABC approach to Preventing Anxious Thoughts?…

I thought well I need to make a choice… Do I want to embrace this fear or not?

Hmmm well not at the same time as my plane fear.. (come on Nikki – be with it .. ) OH ALRIGHT … YES I DO!!!.. (K Choice Made)

Now: Do I want to be calm or panicky? ( Madalyn did say this is our chance to do it DIFFERENTLY) .. k so how can I do it differently?

I will buy some bunny ears, I will put them on, I will have my iPhone, and I will play Tetris and yap to everyone while we go up and everytime I have a nervous thought I will reframe it.. speak it out loud and try to reframe it… no I will set everyone else off.. everytime I have a negative thought I will catch it in my mind.. and write it down in my book. And then reframe it.. in my book.. k maybe that’s gonna work.. dunno.. maybe just be friendly, laugh and chat and if my innner voice yaps I will let it yap and I will clench my muscles and say relax under my breathe as we go up… I will consciously untense my muscles and focus on my breathing after I feel there is no tension in my muscles.. I will be in the now with it.. I will feel my feet in my shoes on the floor, I will feel my clothes touching my skin, I will feel my body being heaved up in the lift.. that’s what I will do.. oh yes.. I remember!…. “I will just be with it.. panic or otherwise, whatever happens I will just feel it.. I will be.. whatever state that brings.. I will change the state gradually through positive self-talk not making judgements about whether it works or not but rather just be positive, be present, be powerful, not powerless..

K so outta the lift room.. bloooooody hell, who put that there?  (have to have a word with the Avalon Guy… J .. just then I heard Madalyn saying: “Now come slowly back to the room”.. I came back to the room, unwillingly, I was enjoying my drama. I like my happy plane place and my control tower lift.. I was in my element, facing my fears, working through my barriers, like a warrior woman.. powerful, courageous and Obama-like… (sorry folks, I will get back to reality soon …) J   This must be a pay-off .. maybe I love drama… maybe I am DRAMA ADDICTED… OMG.. is that it.. I want attention .. nah!.. I like being incognito.. means I can be mischievous, and get away with murder while looking like a victim.. ah hah! So that might be it?.. maybe.. maybe I just wanna be loved.. well I can love myself. I will love myself from now on.. I don’t need to be loved or rely on an outside source for love, I have enough for everyone.. and myself..

                                                                              

                                                                                                                 –oOo–

When I came back from La-La Happy Plane Safe Place Land.. I went about my day with the affirmations: … I love flying, I love myself, I am looking after myself, I love flying, I am a good person, I am a beautiful person, I love flying, I am relaxed when flying, I am free, my plane will take me to my family, I am free, I love flying, flying is good, I love myself, love to my spirit.

I have to say them everytime I have a ‘blearghy’ feeling in my tummy and clench my tummy, breath out and relax, and say my affirmations. Good God this is hard work.. but Fearless Aunty said: 110%.. I am giving it 110%.. so that’s all folks…  for now… J signing off from a cool 35000ft, fearless flyer Nikki (little bit nutty but you get to see whats inside my head eh?) should make a movie or a comedy show at least.. I will team up with Madalyn.. she makes me laugh, keep it light like you know? Laughter is great for anxiety, you can’t laugh and be anxious at the same time can you?  why so serious eh?

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Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki

Untitled

Blog Post

 

Day 1 Fearless Flyers Course…

 

It occurred to me when listening to Madalyn the psychologist’s talk that one can get blasé about just what it takes to make the decision to go to Fearless Flyers.  Basically the process starts at the point where everything else I tried failed. 

 

1.       I  tried to hide my fear

2.       I tried to distract myself from the fear

3.       I tried telling myself I that I was just being soeky and  silly

4.       I figured everyone else flies, why can’t I?

5.       I figured it might go away.

6.       I took tranquilisers but they knock my body around and I don’t like the idea of drug dependancy at all especially since I am a massage therapist and am horrified that we take pills to solve our problems.

7.       I once stuck a sewing needle in my leg in flight to bring me out of my ‘panic’ mode….

 

So enough reasons.. nothing I tried worked… and after missing out on all these years of not being able to just get on a plane and go and see my family SA and the UK … and xmas is coming up where I will be on my pat malone… I figured this is nonsense.. that was the moment I took the decision to jump through the eye of the needle instead of sticking it in my leg!

 

So here I was … sitting in Air Services Australia building with the Fearless Aunties.. Glenda, Julie, Pat … and listening to a psychologist, a pilot and a structural engineer…  as the morning progressed I found myself realising that relaxation for me starts with the releasing of muscle tension and then breathing.. up until now, I had always started with the breathing… and that then became a ‘thing to control’… with no muscle tension, it is extremely hard to reach a state of panic… that is what I have control of via my para-sympathetic nervous system (the bits you can control.. to some degree.. your muscles and your breathing).. as opposed to your sympathetic nervous system (your heart beat, your liver doing its thing etc)…

 

This was a breakthrough for me because I have studied Pranayama Yogic Breathing with my Indian guru, Manish from the Relaxation Centre of Queensland.  No reflection on him but I figured I had missed the point of what he was teaching when he first got us to release our muscles and then focus on breathing.. I skipped the clench muscle thing and just go into the breathing thinking that was gonna solve my problems.. so I GOT it finally….

 

Captain Nik (dreamy Capt. Nik)outlined the rigorous training pilots have to endure before they even make it to sit in the cockpit… it also became apparent to me (only at the end when he showed us a picture of his beautiful wife and gorgeous daughters) did I realise the pilot doesn’t want to crash the plane, he has loved ones he has to return home to as well.. This humanised the pilot for me ..   for some reason, over time, I didn’t see how I had put the pilot in the zone of … not human….silly but true darlin’s…  when I think about the pilot of the plane I will flying now.. I see his family… and I realise that I am part of the flying family.. he wants to get home to his family as much as I want to get home to mine and that makes us ONE and the same in our intentions .. this is where we are one, we are all connected, inextricably..

 

The structural engineer from melbourne explained how everything within the aviation industry is ‘controlled’ – from its people to its data to its equipment. Nothing is left to chance. All critical systems have built in redundancy, sometimes up to 3 redundancies for one critical system.  It is clear to me that the industry takes itself very seriously and doesn’t allow any room for error. It is quite remarkable how we travel in cars on the ground and we aren’t afraid, yet some of us are terrified of planes…. Nik’s stats showed for 2005 we notched up a road toll of 1636 for the whole of Australia in comparison to 19 for the whole of Australia’s ‘anything and anyone can fly’… parachutists, gliders, planes, you name it…

 

In spite of the supportive environment, I couldn’t help notice that my buttons were being pressed here and there.  My emotional issues surfaced without warning around certain topics.. and the thing that Madalyn also made me realise is that it is worth considering that sitting in a plane for 12 hours or so, you have little choice but to face where your mind is at..  I figured, if I took my mind on a trip and it was me and it on an island.. we would have killed each other by now.. the chatter, the incessant negative thoughts about flying , the fear it gives me around the concept of being in a plane – there is only one solution but to shut it up somehow.. (with a sharp implement of some sort)… Positive reframing of thoughts is the more effective positive way to deal with this and I have had much practice in this area since, I have come out of a 7 year PSTD in 1995… I have had several life experiences since where I have had to stay positive to get through and I have come along way. The plane is now my last frontier, I believe, apart from exploring and getting to know myself better. Here is where I will meet my nemesis.

 

All day yesterday, I was reacting … it was like the devil was sitting on my left shoulder…

 

‘You don’t have to go on this trip’

‘you can back out at any time’

‘you know you will have a panic attack up there, then what are you gonna do?’

‘you are so stupid, letting yourself in for another flight of terror – what are you thinking’

‘why are you doing this to us?’

‘you know this isn’t gonna work because you have tried this yourself before and no-one can help you darling, only you can.. and you know you’ve tried and it didn’t work.’

‘If you think you are going to get on that flight, you are dumber than I thought’

‘What makes you think this is gonna be any  different?’

‘How are they going to cope with you when you get into that state up there?’

‘you are a sucker for punishment, it is so much easier just staying where you are…’

 

 

 

Gosh, all these thoughts and more, and then the angel on the other shoulder….

 

‘Damn it.. I am going to fly even if it kills me, I want to see my family, I want to be free, I want to travel anywhere I choose to be, I got things to do, I want to go to Hawaii, India, South Africa, Serbia.. I want to live my life man! I want to taste the cultures, language, experience the people, I have work to do, good work, I want to help out with disaster relief, I want to be the person who brings my healing abilities to those who really really need it and to do that I need to travel God Dammit.. and if I can’t heal myself, what use am I to anyone else?

 

Yeah… bloody hell.. so here we are Day 2.. I am sitting here with wet hair, wondering if I have to go into the control tower in the lift.. my stomach tightens.. freakin lifts.. lifts don’t have pilots do they? They bloody well should. AND they should have regulators..  we stuff people in lifts like cattle and there is little consideration for how much the passenger enjoys the trip… no-one cares if you get stuck in the box… not only that but they are a huge strain on the environment, sucking electricity to transport one lazy person up two flights of stairs.. decadence…  lifts should only be used by people who can’t scale the stairs.. seriously.. I walk 6 flights of stairs on a daily basis..  (only because I am scared to travel in them.. for no other noble or environmental reason but that I don’t like to feel trapped).

 

All of this stems from being stuck in a lift when I was 4. I was too short to press the button.. and all my life I have been ‘stuck in a lift’.. I did some inner child therapy and walked her out the lift as my 42 year old self.. but she still stays there.. she isn’t out yet..  I want her to come out but it is like she wants to stay there for some reason.. hmmm contemplation needed on this one.. I must discuss with Madalyn… I must contemplate the payoff/benefits of remaining stuck … to see what this is really about…

 

K I had better end off now if I want to get some brekky before the course…

 

To infinity and beyond on Wunula Dreaming… I love that plane.. it is soo beautiful… that’s my plane…

 

Nikki Ward

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tatts Group

IT Documentation and Training Analyst

07 3637 1445 (LL)

0417 435 029 (Mob)

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Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki

3rd Hypnosis Session

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My Safe Place – Blondies Palace.pdf (175 KB)

Subject: 3rd Hypnosis Session

Today Alex and I did the third hypnosis. This was a much longer experience and since I have studied a 3 day course in hypnotherapy it was extremely interesting to get his feedback and see how he goes about conducting the hypnosis.

I have found that I do sink into trance rather quickly and that focussing on Alex’s voice while I conjure up the imagery in my mind often takes me to a very relaxed place. Sometimes I catch myself just as I fall forward as I move between that state just between consciousness and sleep.  That is the most fertile ground for hypnosis I have found… so I say this will embed nicely.

I drew a map of my safe place that I travel to in my mind and discussed all the nuances of the detail – see the diagram… It always starts on the beach with the wind and the sea lapping at my feet as I walk along it.  It then goes up the stairs (with each and every step I feel more and more relaxed).. and then I am in a foresty grove tropical paradise where I can smell cut grass, hear the birds tweeting similar to those found in an Australian rain forest and the animals are tame… then down the sandy track to my house covered by a protective force field that no-one can penetrate.

I have a diamond encrusted swipe card that allows me access and then I step into a large white room with a big white couch that I can lie down on.  Sometimes I invite my mother and have a chat with her or Boris… then I have three rooms off to the left, the first is round and is a place for my creative expression – painting, card making etc. any creative projects that I am working on.. I go in there for inspiration. The next room is the plane room and I go in there to just sit in the seats and if I get panicky I leave the room and go out… where I relax and then I attempt it again… when I  am more at ease.. then the final room is where I consult with my guides… I tend to use that from time to time .. but no-one enters into my space uninvited. The entire room is white and the view is to the sea.. I can smell the beach and the sea air..

When we did the hypnosis, Alex described how I would walk up to the house, using all the same sensations, smells that I have just mentioned, and my encrusted card to enter the house. It felt really authentic for me because I knew we were in the right house.. not someone else’s house… I could fully immerse myself in my experience.. I then smiled when we saw the birds because the bird I saw in the garden yesterday.. that my ‘Leopard Bird’.. it was black like a crow, but it had leopard skin wings.. it was the most unusual bird but I know it was sent to me and it has some significance for my flight.. the wings are african and it was a sign for sure.. it was saying come home, be the bird and in the hypnosis, Alex made me see through the tv screen on the seat out of the plane and into the bird, my leopard bird… I became the bird, I was soaring  and flying and free and high above the world, able to go anywhere and I felt an unbelievable sense of freedom and liberty.. wow!…

Then we came back into the plane and into the plane room and then we surface out of the hypnosis..

All I can say is we are laying the groundwork for this now.. I know with hypnosis it only triggers when you are in situ… so its difficult to try and assess results right now.. I have to be on the plane to do that.. I still have that nervous knot in my stomach knowing that I will be flying next Sunday… OMG!

Thanks,

Nikki Ward

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Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki

Hypnosis

Subject: Hypnosis

Working with my work colleague and stage hypnotist, Alex to do some  
relaxation hypnosis before getting on a plane….

Interesting because I seem to respond well to the hypnosis – whether  
it kicks in when I need it is a different story…(thunder rolls  
outside)


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CONFIDENTIALITY NOTE: Please consider our environment before printing this email.This email and any attachments are confidential and may be subject to copyright, legal or some other professional privilege. They are intended solely for the attention and use of the named addressee(s). They may only be copied, distributed or disclosed with the consent of the copyright owner. If you have received this email by mistake or by breach of the confidentiality clause, please notify the sender immediately by return email and delete or destroy all copies of the email. Any confidentiality, privilege or copyright is not waived or lost because this email has been sent to you by mistake. ———————————————————————

Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki