Autobiography… Call for new reading practices….

Having recently completed a unit in Autobiography at Southern Cross University, I was very interested in researching just how of Auto/Biography/Memoir(s) is fact or fiction, truth or falsity.

The two texts that I studied were:

Close A (2008) Before You Met Me: A Memoir of One Man’s Troubled Search for Love, North Sydney: William Heinemann.

 

Langford Ginibi R (2007) All My Mob, St Lucia, Queensland: UQP.

Is there Truth in Auto/Biography or is it all fiction?  Ruby Langford Ginibi writes that she doesn’t “write fiction’ while Alan Close notes that “all stories ARE fiction, whether they are true or not”

In my research and the subsequent paper that I wrote for that subject, I came to the following conclusion…  

In conclusion, the notion of truth in life writing remains a much contested space that is at times abused and other times, unwittingly misused by authors and publishers. Despite this Hobbs affirms that while the lines between fiction and life writing have blurred and wavered, the ‘autobiographical pact’ and the ‘truth’ remains the benchmark for life writing (Hobbs 2005, p.32). That said, Gutkind (1997, p.121) posits that the truth is often ‘larger than any single fact, not a cut and dried positive and negative value. It is quite elusive and, like beauty, in the eye of the beholder’. In this quest for truth, Watson & Sidonie (1992, p.xiv) call for ‘standpoint’ reading practices whereby different texts from different locales are interpreted through the development of theories appropriate to the reading of those texts. In this way, it becomes possible to decolonise Ruby’s memoir and Alan’s memoir as texts that hold their own truth within the private space in which they are written, moving away from the ‘universal’ politicised space from which they are traditionally judged (Watson & Sidonie 1992) and in so doing, collapsing the binary opposites of truth and falsity, fact and fiction.

 

References…

Watson J & Sidonie S (1992) ‘De/colonization and the Politics of Discourse in Women’s Autobiographical Practice’, in De/colonizing the Subject: The Politics of Gender in Women’s Autobiography, eds. Sidonie Smith and Julia Watson, University of Minnesota Press, Minneapolis.

 

Melbourne Trip…the way down …

It was with some trepidation that yet again I found myself on a plane to Melbourne. Here I was in the airport. My friend kindly took me to the airport at 5am in the morning and I was feeling rather relaxed given I had taken 1.5 mg Ativan. I felt the cougar lurking in my mind.. everytime I got nervous, I heard it roar. I knew I was only having ‘thoughts’.. thoughts that were not positive, creative or that would amount to anything simply because I refused to entertain them… but they were there, very much there… I let them pass through my mind, like trains through a station.. as soon as one came in… I would feel the physical effect in my body, I would tighten the area, then release, say relax, and dismiss the thought.. I was starting to understand mind-power… when to entertain thoughts and when not to entertain thoughts.. especially since thoughts can become things, and sometimes we don’t want those things that our thoughts are producing… (sound like a mad-woman.. you are prolly right).. I have done enough self-talk the last few weeks to warrant a place in a sanitarium FULL-TIME! J

At check-in, the lady told me that the air-tickets had not been ‘booked’ in spite of the e-voucher I had in my hand. The plane had started boarding and I was in a bit of a spin.. talk about stress-city.. I felt the tears just beneath the surface as I dialled the number on the voucher. Luckily, the ticket number was supplied by a very calm voice on the other end of the line. By this time, the check-in lady said: “Its too late to check in your baggage, you might have to take the next flight”. In my mind I suddenly saw myself being late for the meeting in Melbourne, my baggage landing up on another plane, and I was already geared up to go on this flight, the tears literally bounced out of my eyes onto my cheeks and I heard myself saying: “Please just let me get on this flight”… She saw I wasn’t’ mucking around, and she said, “Oh just take it on the plane, it’s small enough, but hurry”..

A quick goodbye and I boarded the plane. As I stepped into the plane, I felt like it was a rather ordinary experience, and I found that I was in seat 11C… quite close to the front of the 737. The 737 has a 3-3 seat configuration and I found the ascent into the air to be a lot ‘tighter’ than the 767.  The 767 feels like a banana heaving off a launch pad… I sat in between two ladies and I got chatting to the one to the right of me. She seemed really pleasant and was travelling to Melbourne to the day to meet with a client as part of her HR consultancy. I massaged her hands and we nattred about all sorts of manner of things.. I felt the cougar creep up a couple of times but then I got out the iPhone and played my favourite game, Tetris…

The flight was definitely longer and we went into a holding pattern, I felt myself saying:

“Oh God, why this, why now? I am doing so well, why does the flight have to be any longer than it is…” but then I noticed the Tetris bricks were catching up on me and I had to do something about that.. soon we touched down, and I instantly felt lighter. I floated into the taxi and nattered away until we reached the ParkView hotel. I dropped my luggage for storage by the concierge and the taxi drove me down the road to the office. I noticed the tree-lined streets and the air seemed a little crisper than Brizzy but overall it was rather refreshing.. I hopped out the taxi, feeling like a real business traveller, and disappeared in the building with my laptop and handbag, looking very much the part.

It was great to see everyone I had been speaking to for months by phone in the Melbourne office and I was abuzz, it had been a big day for me, but a quiet celebration because what I considered as conquering my worst nightmare fears was ‘everyday’ for everyone else. I celebrated with a cuppa tea and a biscuit….

Next Melbourne – the way back… to follow….

Thanks,

Nikki Ward | IT Documentation and Training Analyst

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Tatts Group

240 Sandgate Rd, Albion, Queensland, 4010, Australia

Tel: 07 3637 1445 | Fax: 07 3262 5742

Blog: http://thetechwriter.wordpress.com

SP Blog: http://myworkcentre/personal/nikki_ward/workblog/default.aspx

IT Training Blog: http://tattscentral/sites/technology/BusSystems/Training/ITTrainingBlog/default.aspx

 Quote of the Day: Think More, Write Less

                

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Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki

I AM ALIVE!!!

New blog entry
Today I flew down to Sydney in a 767 for lunch AGAIN!!!!

This time I had a friend with me. This is what teachers call level 2 competency learning where the individual completes a task with only partial assistance.

Now onto ‘chemical assistance’ – while I don’t condone the use of tranquilisers in facing ones fears as I hv had personal experience in how addictive they can be – I have enlisted the guidance and counsel of my doctor to show me how to use them in the most effective way without pulling the tiger’s tail. I feel that given everything I learned in the Fearless Flyers course and flying drug free for the first time in twenty years bears credence to the value in doing the course – however (yes Madalyn – I can hear you tsk tsk-ing right now) but in my case i feel that given i experience a literal ‘asthma of the nerves’ as my psychologist put it – i feel that the use of these drugs for a limited timeframe will aid in my recovery – it only takes the edge off am experience that is now becoming more familiar and I aim in time to reduce my reliance on tranquilisers. Right now I am sticking to a regime of I have a crutch that just helps me get thru. My confidence with each flight is building and I have felt a definite shift in my recovery on a scale of 1-100 – I started at -5, then after the first fearless flight it moved to 35, to my trip to Sydney it moved to 85 ESP since I was tranquilised. Let me hasten to add here that I have been practising Madalyn’s relaxation twice a day PLUS I have been rereading her booklet, reviewing Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers PLUS Dr Burns The Feeling Good Hand book – especially the chapter on how to deal with fears by testing them using a variety of techniques.

Keep a record of your Panic Attacks to see how long they last Time: 0-99 rating: Thoughts:

The experimental method
Paradoxical technique
Shane-attacking
Confront your fears
- sudden exposure or flooding
- gradual exposure
- the partnership
Daily mood log
The cost benefit analysis
Positive imaging
Distraction
The acceptance paradox
Gettin in touch

All these and more I have been practicing – I am so focussed on eradicating this fear I feel that in time, and that is key, in time, I will feel more comfortable about flying. It is like a muscle – it has to be developed – it doesn’t happen overnight, but it will happen – that much is a certainty. The road ain’t easy but it had brought so many gifts and raised my consciousness in an almost spiritual sense if the word.

We had a fabulous day in Sydney – we hired a car and drove to Stanwell Tops in Sydneys Royal National Park. It was so hot up there but while we were driving thru the back of beyond I felt the old panick start to arise – what if I hyperventilate and we are miles away from anywhere and suddenly I realised that I know what to do no matter what or where I am – it’s OK!!!! I am OK!!!! Whoooooo!

I felt a surge of confidence and my spirit soared while the realization washed over me just how restrictive this fear had been for me and how I had receded from all spheres of my life that I really used to enjoy, especially that which feeds my soul -being on nature – this, nature, is what feeds my life essence, my mana, my spirit, my energy. Whooooohoooo! I feel so fucking ALIVE!

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Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki

Flights booked for Melbourne

K, so now I have a double whammy, I am flying to Sydney on Sunday & back to Brizzy.. and then have to be in Melbourne on Monday.. oh YAAAY!… back to Brizzy on Wed.

I have been avoiding this but I know this is the only way through – head on, straight through the middle. I am not sure where to… but it will mean that a great deal of courage is called for.  Courage.. well anyone who knows me well enough knows that I am the first to burst into tears when the going really gets tough.. (including all my fearless flyer mates) and right now, I do feel that I may have bitten off more than I can chew but again, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t do things in small doses or in halves.

I have been feeling a little light-headed and dizzy all day yesterday and today… but I figured is just nerves and tension and that I need to get back to the relaxation exercises.. Madalyn did say: they are ‘just thoughts’….> I am aware of my thoughts going nuts again.. but they are really “just thoughts”.. as I have reminded myself a dozen times already as all the snarly cougar thoughts roar through my head  - I realise that nothing could have prepared me for the actual event so ‘scenario spinning’ is really just pointless. Man, I feel like downing a beer right now!!.. anyone else care to join me?

Interesting: Thoughts become things (Title of a book currently in print).. As far as I currently understand it we can use thoughts to create our world yet our thoughts can also be our own worst enemy… this really makes me see how the mind can be our most powerful ally in terms of being the ‘artist of our life’… but at the same time, our thoughts can also not serve us… our programming during our years, from our experiences, contribute toward our blueprint and create obstacles for us based on our ‘filters’…our fixed habits of behaviour, the real practice then is knowing when and how to use our thoughts powerfully…

Our language is key to us discovering whether we are creating our world or just talking about our world.. and this comes down to certain ‘key’ words….I will say this….when the sympathetic nervous system takes over, you are really at its mercy, regardless of ‘thoughts’.. the thoughts only control what anticipatory anxiety you experience prior to an attack so when it hits, you can only focus on feeling it, not fighting it and then when you emerge from the attack only then can you work on how you come recover from it.. so even when you are in the middle of an attack, all you can do is ‘have an attack’.. then as you surface.. try as far as you possibly can.. to distract yourself or get yourself to a point where you can rebalance until the next one creeps up.. that’s it.. just deal with it as it arises until it stops.. then only have you conquered your fear…  

You can ‘not think’ negative thoughts while you are in situ with your fear because you are at its mercy… your thoughts only serve to escalate your anxiety which is why there  is so much focus on producing thoughts that are conducive to not triggering a chemical meltdown reaction in the brain.  I argue that the real focus is instead on just ‘feeling the fear’.. I mean really just feeling the fear… being the observer, maybe even timing it to see how long it lasts… because at some stage it does disappear.. but it does return  so really there are ‘waves’, and it is panic nonetheless.

When you welcome it and observe it and look towards it.. it does tend to evaporate. Remember as the doctor said: Panic Attacks are SAFE.

I mean lets face it.. there is a lot of crap written out there.. and I feel that its time for us to dispel the myth that these self-help books that claim they can change your life actually work. I can categorically state this because I have read these books.. there is a lot of good knowledge in them, very descriptive but until you take the plunge and ‘experience’ it for yourself – there is nothing happening except someone’s pocket getting fatter because of your inability to face your fear. Read the books by all means… as there is always knowledge to be gained but knowledge doesn’t cast out fear, action does.

What is real for me is that I am starting to realise each solution for each fear is as unique as the individual who experiences it. So I assert: NO ONE SIZE FITS ALL … I am going to dispel another myth: fear is not like a condom = seriously… NO ONE SIZE FITS ALL. Each individual must chart their own course through the dark waters of fear until they find the solution themselves, and if they choose a helper to do so with them then again caution must be taken that this is not someone they come to rely on.

So what I have just said is controversial. Naturally no-one wants to hear that self-help books are pointless. No-one wants to hear that we need to take responsibility for the way we feel.. I know I don’t – I am the worst offender, AND I have a cupboard full of self-help books at home… (that cupboard full of books simply means is I have become an expert at gathering knowledge AND practicing avoidance!!!)  So, realise that in facing your fear, you have to work on this with someone who is experienced in this area to assist you and guide you but does not usurp your process.

That said, I got onto the topic of this ‘fear’ being there for me.. what I have become really present to is that this fear has taken me to a level of consciousness that I don’t think many people have an opportunity to experience. Most will practice avoidance, and rare is the day that people will tackle this type of thing head on, unless there is a compelling reason for them to do so. Why? Because I have to say, it is THE most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Why? Because I like to prepare in advance, be proactive, make sure everything is laid out as it should be rather than just live in the moment.. this is a matter of habit and one that is tough to break.. preparation and planning ensures you don’t have ‘piss-poor performance’.. All my life I have been preparing for some challenge, moment, test, etc.. its exhausting I have to admit. Frankly I would rather go skipping through a field full of daisies, not with a care in the world, but unfortunately I am unable to locate such a person that will make that happen for me …so back to myself.. I have been of the opinion that I do have to face the fear and do it anyway..

The benefit of such a fear is such that you get to experience the real inside of you… that you can only do it for yourself and no-one else. That one person is YOU.. you are responsible for YOU… you get to see what is really going on at a physical, mental, spiritual level… deep within the core of who you are.. you see what you are and who you are.. and you realise that you are just ‘shit-scared’… vulnerable, immobilised, and until you stare it back in the face, you are powerless.. until you actually stand in the company of that fear there is nothing you can do – no, no book, no guru, no mentor, no course, no food, well.. ok maybe chocolate and maybe …  J

Yours in flight,

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Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki

Untitled

This is worth an entire post.. I would like to think that our beliefs and attitudes should also appear down at the base of the lenses.

It is these things that when removed, allow us to try on the possibilities of what our lives would be like without those beliefs and attitudes.

A whole world of possibility becomes available outside those beliefs and attitudes…

J Nikki

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Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki

Problem Solving Flow Chart for the Flight Engineers at QANTAS…

Download now or preview on posterous

Problem Solving Flow Chart.pdf (77 KB)

This will solve all their problems..

Downed a tranquiliser this morning and am feeling peachy.. think I can do the flights now.. Sydney Sunday Here I Come.

J N

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Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki

Next step…. On my own without fearless aunties

Saw the doctor yesterday to confirm how to take medication. He said his wife is a fearful flyer even though she loves travel.

He outlined for me that we are in the craft and sitting there adrenalin has nowhere to go so by shaking hands wiggling we will absorb the adrenalin at some point.

He said that panic attacks are quite safe. He said it will pass and with a couple of tranquilisers down the hatch – 1 mg ativan taken 2 hours before, then one taken 1 hour before, I will be relaxed enough to fly. I think do too.

While I wasn’t happy flying to London, I was there in the cabin dealing with it and I do recall that eventually the environment felt natural to me, especially on the way back. I was wondering up to the toilet to do my makeup and basically get ready for landing.

I just have to talk myself thru it. If I feel the attack coming I will think hmm no Madalyn here to see me thru this, panic, then nerves explode, then OMG why did I even think of doing this silly bitch, then I will have to kick in my emergency code red plan –
1. Look at the time it takes for first wave of fear, write down.
2. Push stomach in to make myself take a breath. Time how long this attack lasts.
3. Look at the time when feeling balanced again. See how long a PA lasts.
4. Visualise the cougar. Have to feel it not fight it. Allow it to happen. Know that it will pass. Know that u r safe.
You will not die.

Topics to talk about on the plane:
(have to be totally sincere else won’t work)

1. Why r……..
2. When did you….
3. What would u prefer?

Omg just booked my next flight feeling nervous!!!

131313 flights
At 12pm start to check seat allocation.

Qantas.com/yourbooking
Http://book.qantas.com.au/yourbooking
8.15 departure. 10.50 arrival QF513
17.35 departure 18.05 arrival QF542

Make sure you pack early and work out your tranquilisers

Dep BNE
1st tranq – 6.00
2nd tranq – 7.15

Dep Syd
1st tranq – 15.35
2nd tranq – 16.35

Tranquilisers 2 every four hours.
Run and flush system when you get home

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Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki

Day 4

Feel then check u don’t fight – just be with it
It won’t last forever
Adrenaline gets reabsorbed.
Shake your hands wiggle yr toes & yr legs – then push all the air out of yr lungs and release, this wl force an in breath thus inhibiting further adrenalin release – when you take a deep breath u relax. When u exhale like a yogi, yr heart rate slows. Either way u r in control even tho u experience unpleasant feelings.

The only way to conquer fear is to face it. Fear is an experiential thing. U can only face it in the here and now. It really hurts to do it but it is frees u. The antcipation thoughts r just thoughts they r only thoughts – nothing else. For days I envisaged what wld happen in- flight, all sorts of scenarios – then I got on the plane wo tranquilisers and started massaging Richard and Michelle’s hands. In hindsight I can say I never ever concieved of that idea prior to the flight! It just goes to show that u don’t know what is going to happen until u r in the moment. This is key. It is key because yr anxiety levels before an event can get out of hand. If u know that u simply hv to be in the moment, being vulnerable, feeling, not fighting the symptoms of panic – u r able to embrace yr fear. The more u embrace your fear, the more u disempower it. The more u disempower it, the less of a grip it has on you.

It takes practice because you are also building a muscle, breaking a habit that has been there for years. Thisis the hard part but the best part because fear can be a habit! A habit that potentially become debilitating if not kept in check!

It helps to visualise your fear. My fear is a cougar – if I am calm the cougar won’t attack, if I am nervous, I will feel it’s teeth in my neck. It helps to visualise my fear I can see it, to hear it, to know when it appears making the invisible visible – now I can deal with it because I can see it long before it manifests and I can take action.

As Madalyn said: “Knowledge (and action) casts out fear” – it is the ‘doing’ where the power is in dealing with fear. The NOW. Kahuna philosophy holds this as one of seven basic tenets – Manawa – the power of now – be focussed. Focus on being in the now with your fear – this is where you experience power but only if you don’t fight it. If u fight it, u r not being vulnerable and the resistance will sink it’s teeth into your neck like a cougar.

By the way the lunch was fantastic as was the walk thru the markets.

Massive day – when I arrived home, I was too tired to talk! Fell asleep on the floor in the loungeroom with my son tapping me awake to go to bed.

Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki

Day 3 continued.

Back to the day 3 blog entry. The afternoon activity involved us all travelling up the air control tower. I was already starting to experience high anxiety just sitting at the table. I told Pat I don’t do lifts and that I am here only for the plane. Pat just smiled and said “Don’t u see Nikki? They are all connected.” In my mind I knew she was right but somehow I didn’t or couldn’t acknowledge that. Pat changed the subject to visualisation & of course I knew what she was doing so I brought the conversation back to the lift again. I asked how high the tower was. She answered non-chalantly “32 floors” I gasped. “You are joking!” I replied in disbelief. “No I’m not”, she said, “you’ve picked a Duzi”

My stomach and its newly acquired contents heaved and then lurched like a tired tanker in stormy seas. I knew I was screwed.

Lunch finished and we sat down to an aIr traffic control talk with Richard but not before Olympia and I had set aside a scrummy vanilla slice and custard tart as a bravery award for afternoon tea – we knew we were gonna need it.

After the talk, we all headed straight for the tower and as Richard opened the tower entrance door, my heart started to thunder, I became a cat on a hot tin roof, a toey racehorse at the Melbourne cup jump gate – I wanted to bolt!

The first lot went up and I counted the seconds it took so I could do a count down on the way up – 35 seconds – I felt a little better that it would be short ride. What I didn’t count on was the size of the lift! When i came around the corner, as everyone got in, all I could see was half a lift! not even big enough to fit a sandwich in!! I shook my head, backing up as i felt the tears stickle my eyeballs and somewhere in the darkness I heard Richards voice say “Come on you will regret it if u don’t”. I knew then I was going to have to face my nemesis – so I forced myself forward and i stepped into the void despite all my alarms going off in code Red!

Up we went, and I watched the green line of lift progress meter as it hurtled me towards my battlefield of fear. I looked at a white Olympia and then consoled myself with the fact that there would b more space when we got out the lift -OMG! was I wrong or what!! Never make assumptions is all I can say. We stepped out into a tiny stairwell of about 20/30 odd stairs and we had to wait on the dimly lit stairwell until Richard got the OK to let us in at the top. It echoed and i could taste the tension I looked down the stairwell into a line of expectant slightly anxious faces. I turned around quickly to look back up to the top because suddenly I felt claustrophobic. I realised there was no room to move and I had to get up to where there was more room. Just as it started to get unbearable, we started to move. As we climbed the stairs, I started to feel puffed (not a good feeling I might add) and by the time I stepped up into the glass rotunda I felt quite light-headed and almost off-with-the-fairies-kinda feeling. It felt surreal, i surveyed my surroundings quicky and then I returned to how I was feeling. Quite light-headed, dizzy and then all I wanted to do was get out of there – I knew that wasn’t gonna b easy because I would hv to get into the sandwich lift on my OWN!!

By this stage, code Red was in operation meltdown-abandon ship change planetary address mode. All systems were shutting down. I felt sick to the stomach, my back lit up like a Christmas tree with adrenalin, felt dizzy and my breath disappeared – I heard myself calling for Madalyn. She came over and I told her I wasn’t feeling too good. She said: “why? What’s the matter?” shaking her hands and her legs – as if she couldn’t see I was panic-stricken. I found that odd.

I said ” I can’t breathe” to which she replied “yes u can!” I looked at her, incredulous. To be honest I am not sure what i expected of her. I thought ” how odd! She is not buying into my fear – dammit I am gonna have to sort myself out” then she said “just push your tummy in and you will automatically inhale.” Desparate, I did as she said and I found myself inhaling almost immediately after and I came back to my body. It felt good. I wasn’t going to die. I was back in the driver’s seat. Once meltdown return to business as usual i wandered around looking out and found the view quite marvellous. It was so quite up there, very peaceful.

One of the controllers had sunnies and a hat on – I asked him why the apparel and he replied that the glare can be too much on some days. I found it odd that one would wear sunnies and a hat in front of a computer screen – Richard and I struck up a conversation and pretty soon I felt ok cos he is so good at distraction – I know that now, although I didn’t know this at time, but he would b my ‘helper’ on my flight the next day and he just kept me tweeting like a canary. Thanks Richard for my first tranquilizer free flight in 20 odd years.

So that was day 3 – needless to say the custard tart tasted wonderful and I was glad to be alive. My bed was so comfotable and welcoming that night -my senses had been heightened and I felt truly alive.

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Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki

Celebration Day

Just woken up – wl finish yesterdays post – finished unexpectedly due to visitor. I feel like I have the key, a little excited, a little apprehensive but overall pretty relaxed

Time will tell – now is the moment of power – manawa for my Huna readers – u can only face fear in the now – that is what is meant by power of now.

Amazing grace – I was blind but now I see

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Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki

Day 3

Wow! Another day of highs and lows. I seriously was not prepared but the day started slowly with a wander onto a 767 400 – I felt so lucky to be able to wander onto a plane without competing against all the other members of the public. We listened to Nikki the hostie as we picked out our fav seat positions on the plane. We checked out where they sleep on long hauls & then went up a deck to first class and lay in the passengers crib – so decadent at a cost of $ 16k just for a comfy plane ride. Olympia and I tried the recline position declaring to the universe that we would take advantage now
While we could. I thought – well not so fast – one day I will b able to afford this seat when I publish my book!

We then settled down to a meditation on the plane and it really settled me down. We left for lunch walking across the tarmac like in the old days, the engines humming at high pitch and the smell of aircraft fuel in my nose.

I had lunch and I don’t know why but by some design I always land up next to Pat!! We started talking about the air tower tour and I felt my stomach sink intoy feet.

Ohoh sum 1 at the door

More later xxx

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Posted via email from Fearless Flyer Nikki